I was born at an early age, and came as a slight disapointment to my mother who wanted a biege cardigan.At seven i rebelled against the system and became an anarchist vegetarian, eventually getting expelled from primary school after an unfortunate incident with sandra crabtree and a free trade carrot.In my teens i formed a punk band called the w.d. 40 experience , we only made one album the now legendary ,’kebab van disaster’produced by Eno, which scraped the top 20 in Nigeria and propelled us into a lifetime of soup kitchens and local obscurity.Problems with drugs followed (We couldn’t get any ) ...and i eventually ended up marrying Claudia Winkleman in 1998, she gave me herpes and two children, we had a messy divorce in 2001 and i now live in seclusion in a brewery , sorry, monastry.....with just me, my herpes, my memories of happy days in Colwyn Bay (before the court case) and a hamster called Mr partridge
