The Beat Surrender

The Brits. An easy target these days? Well yes but easy targets are given that title for a reason- so ready, aim, fire.

The Brit Awards in the mid nineties – (before Noel Gallagher brazenly and foolishly declared that there were 6 people in the room changing the world, meaning his band and Tony Blair- he was right of course but not for the reasons I imagine that prompted him to say it in the first place) – were of relevance. Proper acts like Blur, Pulp, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Ian Brown and Mike Flowers Pops (ok the last one is a leap) were being nominated or winning awards left, right and centre. We had even got away from Annie Lennox and Lisa Stansfield being nominated for Best British Female even if they hadn’t made an album for 5 years and others were actually reigning supreme.

And on top of this you had controversy to look forward to- KLF bringing along some farm yard friends and threatening to burn cash again, Jarvis Cocker becoming an icon by scratching the surface of the establishment showing the utter irrelevance, creepiness and pomposity of Michael Jackson….by doing a strange dance behind him and flicking the V sign indiscriminately. We have Chumbawamba giving 2 Jags an early bath and the uncomfortable but hugely entertaining face off between musical legend Ronnie Wood and nobody Brandon Block- and justice was served when the nobody crept back under his rock tail between his legs after being punked out by Mr Wood.

We had some excellent live performances. Yes I even include the famous Union Jack Spice Girls one, because they deserved to be there and were glad to be there and it showed. We even had credible presenters- in my opinion Ben Elton and Chris Evans did great jobs and held the thing together well. They might not have been the “coolest” but they knew their role and they played it well. The presenter should fade into the background and stay there- they did. This being a time when Chris Evans had realised how irritating he had got years earlier and decided to thankfully tone it down.

However these awards have got gradually worse over the years but in my opinion reached the nadir this time around. Whose choice was it to have the Osbournes presenting? Some people were stupid enough to buy into their staged guff back in 2003 but exactly how are they first choice in 2008?. The kids are non entities, the dad can’t talk (it’s never been funny) and then comes Sharon Osbourne.

X factor panellist- is the irony lost on anyone?. But I could almost make my peace with that fact. Almost. I think what tipped me over the edge is the utter contempt I have for this self parody of a woman. She is loud, brash, and her fake drunken sailor style swearing towards the end of the show to try and make it look “rock n roll TM”. when guests were inebriated and being slightly shambolic was absolutely pathetic. However this did introduce me to a new feeling- that maybe Russell Brand wasn’t so bad last year??? Very disturbing.

So remote control in hand I try to flick channels to miss any Osbourne based drawl. I needn’t have bothered because the rest of the show was nearly as bad and I should have stayed on Dragon’s Den repeats on Dave +1.
We had an opening medley from no ones favourite artist over 12 years of age- Mika. Not a good start. Literally. He went on to collect Breakthrough Act. I hope he continues to breakthrough right to the other side and never stops. Don’t let the door hit you on the backside on the way out pal.

We have Kylie collecting the award for Best Kylie…I mean international Female. She was a shoe- in. I don’t begrudge her as she has done a great song- the problem is she keep re-releasing it every two years and dancing with androids. She was also in one of the weaker episodes of the new Dr Who which may have clouded my judgement!.Mr Tennant- what did you attend this piffle for mate? You must have had something better on surely???
The one performance I was really looking forward to was the Klaxons- would they play Golden Skans, Not Over Yet, Gravity’s Rainbow super sized version perhaps. No it was Umbrella with Rhianna. It came, it went.

Foo Fighters made the right decision not turning up to this load of tosh to collect Best International Band and summat else. The inane “celebrities” continued to appear on stage- Denise Van Outen and Andrew Lloyd Webber had some truly awful forced banter, Alan Carr did what he does best…absolutely nothing at all (surely Justin Lee Collins will get rid soon?) and then Chris Moyles. I won’t waste a single word more on Chris Moyles.

Amy Winehouse made a triumphant return- see Chris Moyles.

Take That picked up the Muse Award for Best Live Band, Kate Nash deservedly picked up Best British Female as did Mark Ronson for Best British Male. Funny seeing as Ronson isn’t even a vocalist but still well deserved. Nash beat the modern day equivalent of Lennox and Stansfield- PJ Harvey.
Girls Aloud were ignored again- it’s a shame as they have contributed a lot to pop and done some damn good songs but it looks like they will expire without having received a Brit. I really wouldn’t worry about it girls!

Then we had 10 minutes of some of the most uncomfortable TV I have seen in quite some time. The unfunny one from Reeves and Mortimer (not you Bob) came out and guess what…..he was a bit drunk and pretended not to know what the award was for. Jarvis Cocker lives!!! He stumbled around a bit and Sharon Osbourne threw the aforementioned fake expletives at him to get the audience going. They rightfully ignored the whole sorry episode. Then Arctic Monkeys were awarded Best British Band and came up to collect their awards dressed like country gents but with a twist…..they were drunk and stumbled through their acceptance speech. Marvellous…no sorry I meant garbage. Fake country gent was done over 10 years ago by Blur. They did it better, oh and were a much better band. Sorry Arctic Monkeys fans but they were.

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